Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.