Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.