Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.