Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.

If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.