Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.