Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.