Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.