Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.