Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.