Saying, have a great work-out is like saying, I hope you pull something.
Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.
I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.