The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.