People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.