People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.