Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.