Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.