Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.