No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.