Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.