Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

I like to be able to connect with people. And that's how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.