Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

When rappers call each other son it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.