I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.