I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?

Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.