I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?

Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.