I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.