I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.