My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Coming to terms with my feelings of worthlessness isn't always a bad time, but it's rarely a good one.

Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.