My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.