My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

A lot of people in a LA need to take a break from taking a break.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.