My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.