If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

I'm pretty sure whoever said, people are wonderful spent very little time with people.