Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.

Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.