If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time.