Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.

The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?