Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.

Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.