America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.

Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.