America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.