If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.
Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.
If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.
People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.