America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?

Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.