Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.