Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.