Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.

Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.