Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.