Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.