Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.