People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.

We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.

Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.