I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.

Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.