I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.

Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.

Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.

We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.