I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.

If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.