I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.