Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.