America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.