America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.

The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.