The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.