You forget how crazy people are in New York, all the people on the sidewalk. When you leave here, everyone's in their car. But I get back here - I just went to throw something in the garbage, and there was a guy in the garbage. And he wasn't looking in it; he is in it, looking out over 9th Ave like a fisherman.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.