Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.

Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.