Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.