You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.