Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.
At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.
Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.
No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.
My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.