False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.