We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.