Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.