Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.

The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?