I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.

If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.