Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.