The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.