I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.