I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.