I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.