Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.