Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.
I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.
Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.
I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.