Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.