Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?

Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy.

Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.

My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals.

There's nothing like the energy in a small comedy club room or a small theater when it's going really well. I can see everybody's face practically in the whole room. There's no cameras in the way, and it's just me.