Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?

In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're Transportation Captains.

The easiest diet is, you know, eat vegetables, eat fresh food. Just a really sensible healthy diet like you read about all the time.

You know what I worry about? I worry that when I hit my head, it pushes my hair into my brain, and it will eventually kill me.

I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'

Libertarians are conservatives who still get high.

Isn't it amazing that the Germans call their city halls 'rat houses'? That's what we should call our city halls!