Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?

I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'

I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.

I wish I could end every rap song I didn't like with a buzzer.

I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson.

I'm the kind of person that likes what I'm doing when I'm doing it.