Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?

I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.

I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.

If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?

There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy.

I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.

Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.