Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.

I just try to get people to laugh - I'm not trying to change the world or anything.

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

I'm not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don't think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated.

I was just sick of being fat, you know? You get sick of it. It just really, it's a tiring lifestyle to have.

I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.