I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

The economy is in trouble, schools are in trouble, and people have been leaving the city in droves for a long, long time.

When I play poker, I don't like losing the pot.

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

I am happy that I ran the half-marathon, but to me, just running and saying that I finished a race isn't enough for me. I want to run the race as best as I can. Working out for pants size isn't enough. I need a goal or a race to get back on the treadmill every day.

Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.