And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?

I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.

Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.

When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work.