Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.

I'm never afraid to die. I think that's the best thing that can happen to somebody is they get to move on and do something better.

I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.

Funniest thing happened though, you wouldn't believe it, ha, the mannequins came to life. I went insane.

Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.

I never thought I was a libertarian until I picked up Reason magazine and realized I agree with everything they had printed.

I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.