I could still eat a cheeseburger if I wanted to. I just can't have them every day.

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.

The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.

Libertarians are conservatives who still get high.

Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.

I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.