Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.

When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.

There's a game called Checkout where there's grocery items and it's how much you think the manufacturer's suggested retail price is and we add up your total, then your total has to be within $2 of the regular total. I don't think I could ever win that game.

Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?

What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!

Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.

Just because a guy has a shaved head, pierced nipples, and doesn't have sex with women doesn't make him gay. It just makes him down on his luck.